FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON
I found this article on a column of Catholic News Agency and I thought it is a wonderful article full of useful ideas for young people planning to get married, courting or thinking about a serious relationship that may hopefully end in marriage. The article is written by Joe Tremblay. He writes for Sky View, a current event and topic-driven Catholic blog. He is currently a contributor to The Edmund Burke Institute, and a frequent guest on Relevant Radio’s, The Drew Mariani Show. Joe is also married with five children.
Here it is..
As each generation fails to draw from the well of Christian wisdom, they
experience more difficulty in finding the right person for marriage.
Indeed, you will be surprised how shortsighted materialism and
sensuality can make us. The result is that attraction is often confused
with love.
Below are seven tips that may help you find that right
person. You may find that some of these basic principles may seem like
unrealistic ideals or attainable goals. But remember, with God
everything is possible. It is He who will lead you to that right person
if you are meant to get married. However, He needs your cooperation. And
that cooperation may require a great deal of patience and
self-discipline on your part.
1. Love’s priority:
Your prospective spouse should love God more than you and you more than
their parents. Christianity brings a right order to human love. A
person who does not put God first in their life will likely put others,
including their own parents, before you. The right order is this: God
first, spouse second, children third and everybody else fourth. Too many
wives and husbands will not defend their spouse when their mother,
father, brother or sister meddles into their affairs. This causes
problems. And more importantly, a person who loves God more than their
wife or husband is much more likely to be faithful when no one is
looking. More often than not, their priorities will be what they should
be.
2. Christian identity: If a person
claims to be Catholic or goes to church, do not assume that he or she is
follower of Christ through and through. So many prospective spouses are
fooled by this. Keep in mind that each soul is like a mansion or
building. As you enter it, you will find that the first floor may be
tidy and may even have Christian décor so as to express their
religiosity. But as you proceed to the second or third floor, what you
may find are things wholly contrary to that Christian expression. In
other words, church pews are filled with sinners; sometimes of the worst
kind. Do not take someone’s word that they are Christian nor should you
consider their church-going practice as proof their faith is authentic.
There has never been a time when people are confused as to what a
Christian really is as today. Pastors, parents and teachers are partly
(if not, mostly) to blame for this. Just remember that the garb of
religious devotion can mask many a sin. Some may pray the rosary or even
do other pious acts and yet, they may have no qualms about backstabbing
or doing things that will betray a relationship. The real test of
Christian identity, therefore, is not so much in devotion but in virtue;
especially when their will is contradicted.
3. Character and Contradictions:
Before you get married, make sure you know how your prospective spouse
responds to adversity and contradictions; especially when you are the
source of that contradiction! Ask yourself: What is my boyfriend,
girlfriend or fiancé like when I disappoint them, when I contradict
their will or when I am a burden to them? When they have nothing to
lose, how will they treat you when you have a chronic illness, when your
family becomes burdensome or if you should be unemployed for several
months, thus making it necessary to make financial sacrifices? In other
words, know how they carry their crosses; especially when you are likely
to be that cross for them! If you get married and still believe that
your fiancé can do no wrong, you do not know him or her enough! Love is
not only an act of the will, but it is based on knowledge. You cannot
really love a person you do not know.
4. Mom and Dad:
Another very important consideration is how they relate to their own
parents. If there is any discord between your prospective spouse and
their parent, know that it just may carry over into your marriage. For
instance, when a man does not get along with his mother, he may have
difficulties, in some form or another, with his wife. There may be a
tendency to be too rough or too insecure on his part. And if a woman is
not secure in her father’s love for her, she may develop codependency
habits in the marriage. Sometimes the slightest disapproval will cause a
great deal of insecurity for her. On a very important note: If you were
sexually abused, get help, talk things out and make sure the counseling
you receive is coupled with good Catholic spirituality. A key to a
happy marriage after having had your innocence violated is to forgive
your offender.
5. Vices: Remember that
vices rarely exist in isolation. Rather, they exist in families. The
same applies to virtues. For instance, if a man is into porn, he may
have problems with lying or infidelity. If gambling or alcoholism is a
problem, again, dishonesty, intemperance and covetousness are probably
vices that lurk nearby. Also, how someone treats a previous date or
partner will most likely serve as an index as to how you will be
treated. I can never understand why a man or a woman can marry an
adulterer without realizing that they too are likely to be a victim of
the same sin.
6. Sex and Cohabitation:
Sexual activity is a distraction before marriage and worse, it is a
rehearsal for divorce. A man or woman who says “I love you” or has sex
on the first date is a person who will quit the relationship just as
quickly as they rushed in. They are not to be trusted because they know
not the value of love! For this and other reasons, when there are sexual
attachments involved, it is exceedingly difficult to properly discern
the right person for you.
Christ elevated marriage into a
sacrament because married couples need his grace. But sexual sin prior
to marriage forfeits the most important kind of grace – sanctifying
grace! Not only are we short-sighted without it, we seriously compromise
our salvation. Therefore, exercise the virtue of chastity before
marriage; deny yourself in that area and open yourself to God’s grace.
As such, you will be much more likely to have a long and enduring
marriage with the right person.
7. Spirit of Sacrifice:
Try to look for the greatest of qualities in your future spouse,
namely, the spirit of sacrifice. John Gray, author of “Men are from
Mars, Women from Venus,” stated that God gives every marriage about 3-5
years of a strong dose of attraction or hormones. After that expires,
love (as an act of the will) must carry you the rest of the way. This is
not to say the romance ends after five years. In fact, I believe that
the biggest mistake that husbands and wives make is that they stop
courting one another.
Here is my point: Marital love is
accompanied with sweetness and romance in those first years of marriage.
However, when children come along, that marital love matures and moves
beyond the romance. Instead of frequenting restaurants and going for
walks in the park during their free time, the married couple now has to
change diapers, take the children to the doctor or stay up at night with
them if they should be sick. Indeed, they have to share their time –
the time they used to have exclusively for one another – with the little
ones.
Believe it or not, some people take this work to mean that
their love has lost its sparkle when in fact it has matured into a more
selfless kind of love … the right kind of love. But the right kind of
love can only be shared with the right person. This is why finding the
right person is very important.
